4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I want to be your penis for a week.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
