girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
