I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
