So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize