I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
