So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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