theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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