mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
