Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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