There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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