just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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