I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
