i need an iv and a liver transplant
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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