im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
