you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
