battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
