He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
