wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
