I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
