someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
