i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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