i may or may not be watching the land before time
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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