i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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