So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
