Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
