non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
