apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
