I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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