I just cut my nipple shaving
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
