youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
