Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
