So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
