i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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