Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
