someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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