im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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