a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
