I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
