apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
