Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize