Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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