My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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