somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
