I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
