So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
