Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
