He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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