Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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