Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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