I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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