Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
