Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
