he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
