Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
