I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
