Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just blew my weed a kiss
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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