Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
