I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
